How to Avoid Toddler Fights & Decision Fatigue

The story I'm going to tell you today is all about choices and decision fatigue and the absolute inability to reason with three year olds. Let's get started.

So we used to have all the plastic plates and cups and spoons and forks for kids in all the fun colors, and you know what happened? It was never the right color. No matter what I handed to any given child, I inevitably gave them the wrong color, or I gave their brother their color, or their sister got the color that they had to have today. And I was constantly refereeing the battle over the correct color cup and the perfect color of plate and the fork that had to be this color and the spoon that had to be that color.

This drove me bonkers. I got so frustrated that eventually I told my kids, “We are done with all these colored plates and spoons and forks and cups. I'm throwing them all away and we're buying a new set of one color. One color entire kitchen set so that we never have to have this argument again.” And I did.

And it was very traumatic for my children as they watched me throw away all of the beautiful plates and cups and spoons and forks. And I hoped honestly that it taught them a lesson, but then again they were three years old so I highly doubt it.

But we got rid of them all. And it gave me an opportunity to buy a whole new set, this time made out of more natural materials. It was actually a great excuse to get rid of the plastic anyways. And they were all one color, and there were no options. And you know what?

There is slightly less arguing. They have found other things to argue over, but there is slightly less arguing over the plates and spoons and forks and cups. But it brings up a bigger point, which is that decision fatigue is real. It's a real thing. We all experience it.

And if we're not aware, we can send our children into decision fatigue by offering too many options. I'm not saying that the solution is always to only give them one option, but I do want to bring up the point that it is really easy for kids to be overwhelmed by the amount of choices they have in their lives. Kids have so many toys these days, and oftentimes it's actually overstimulating to them to have to sort through all the things they have and decide when and how to play with each thing. Not to mention when we give them options for the outfits they put together and what they're eating. We want to give our children autonomy to make choices, but we also don't want to give them so many choices that they are actually overwhelmed and feel unequipped to make a choice.

So when I sense that my kids are getting overwhelmed by the amount of options they have, I try to narrow it back down. This comes up a lot with food. Sometimes I wake up and I'm like, “What do you want for breakfast?” Well, that's a very confusing question for a four year old, because it's like, “First of all, I don't even know. Second of all, are we talking like I could have toast, I could have cereal, I could have oatmeal, could have eggs, I could have yogurt, I could have, maybe I want something that's totally inappropriate, like ice cream or candy or bubble gum…” all of which have been requested in my home for breakfast many times.

Instead, I try to give two options. I say, “Do you want toast or yogurt for breakfast this morning?” Usually that's met with, “Nooo!” At which point I might say, “We have toast or yogurt. Which one would you like to start with?”

And of course there are times when they say, “I want oatmeal!” In which case I say, “Great, I'm so glad you want oatmeal for breakfast. I'll make it for you. Here you go.” But other times it really actually allows them to calm down, use their prefrontal cortex to understand these are my two options, which one do I want, and make a conscious choice and be able to move forward stress free. This is a very similar principle to the parenting principle that I'm sure you all have heard of, of giving our children two choices that we are okay with.

It allows them to have autonomy and make a decision, but it also narrows in the possibilities so that they don't have to be overwhelmed by the sheer number of options they have, resulting in decision fatigue, which usually causes a meltdown. Let's give our children the autonomy to make choices within the bounds of a few options that their little brains can process.